Bible study, Jesus, Sovereignty, Waiting

Waiting Room

waiting-room

I will run when I cannot walk
I will sing when there is no song
I will pray when there is no prayer
I will listen when I cannot hear

Sitting in the waiting room of silence
Waiting for that still soft voice I know
Offering my words up to the rooftop to Your heart
Trusting that this closet’s where You are

Lord I know if I change my mind
You will change my heart in time

Sovereign Lord this time’s from You
So I sit in the waiting room of silence
‘Cause it’s all about You

I will fight when I cannot feel
I will trust when You don’t seem real
I will tell when I cannot speak
I will step when I cannot see

I thought we had made our final decision about school, but we are now in a season of waiting for an actual final decision (long story).  I immediately started having anxiety (because I always want to make a decision NOW).  I thought I was going to have a panic attack.  Robert had to talk me down, remind me that God has a plan, and that we don’t have to make a decision right now.

I’m having to learn to ignore all outside advice and opinions and focus on what will be best for our family.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to focus on healing myself.  I start EMDR next Monday.  I hear it’s super intense so I’m preparing for that.  I still have a long way to go in my healing.  I’m really just starting the more difficult parts of this journey.

We’re also trying to be as involved in the school where the kids are for now.  They seem to be thriving!  Ethan went from first grade level to second-third grade level in reading.  Levi is on second-third grade level as well.  All three kids are making A’s and B’s (Levi only has 1 B, in math).  Karis is on an eighth grade level in reading.  Ethan is about to start basketball and all of the kids will be doing choir.

On the other hand, I want to homeschool, but that may not be what’s best for them.

This all may be out of my hands for the future.  God is Sovereign!

Today I did my Bible study from She Reads Truth and it was totally relevant.

“What a surprise it must have been to be told simply to wait—and not for a certain amount of time, but indefinitely.”

“We aren’t told if this frustrated Ruth, but it frustrates me for her.”

“But Naomi—the same woman who once named herself “Bitter”—offered enough faith for the both of them. She encouraged Ruth, saying, “Wait, my daughter, until you learn how the matter turns out” (Ruth 3:18).

This doesn’t mean that things will turn out exactly the way we think they should. But it does mean that God’s hand is always at work in our story, even when we can’t see it. Even when we’re waiting.”

“In your waiting place, cling to the hope that God will not leave our stories unfinished or unredeemed. They may not look how we expected but, as with Ruth and Naomi, our story is His story. We can wait with hope, and we can trust and obey with confidence. Thanks be to God.”

Alcohol Use Disorder, Jesus, Mental Illness, self care, self love, Sovereignty, Vulnerability

I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord

srt-ruth-instagram3s

“19 So the two of them went on until they came to Bethlehem. And when they came to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them. And the women said, “Is this Naomi?” 20 She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. 21 I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”  Ruth 9:19-21

“8 Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ 9 and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith— 10 that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, 11 that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead.”  Philippians 3:8-11

From She Reads Truth, Ruth, Day 3

“If prayer is a picture of believers lifting one another before the Lord, there are times I have been full-on carried. I don’t mean they’ve just walked alongside me or encouraged me to go on. No, they have picked me up from the pit and held me high before the Lord, my spiritual self limp and lifeless, desperately in need of the life-breath of my Savior. It sounds melodramatic until you’re in the thick of it, too spent to sigh another “please” or “amen.”

Naomi’s circumstances were indeed awful. She’d buried her husband, lost two sons, and said goodbye to a daughter-in-law. She had no hope of a grandchild, no path of provision. “I went away full,” she told them, “and the Lord has brought me back empty” (Ruth 1:21). Yet, there was no fist-shaking at heaven. No renouncing her faith. Naomi believed God was sovereign, even in her tragedy.”

“Circumstances change, but they do not change our God. And they do not change the saving power of Jesus Christ. We need not waste time shaking our fists at heaven when we can run full-force into His arms, trusting He can redeem even us, even this, even now.”

Life is so hard, but God is sovereign.  He has a plan even for the darkest tragedy.  I have seen him used my struggles to bring about healing for others.  Just sharing what I go through everyday with mental illness, alcohol use disorder, and trauma helps others to not feel alone.  It helps others to share and be vulnerable.  It helps others to get it out.  It’s not me, it’s Jesus Christ with-in me that allows me to be so vulnerable. I care too much what people think to do it on my own.

Asking friends what they are doing for self care helps them to remember to take good care of themselves.  It helps them to dig deep and realize that they are worth taking care of.

Again, this is not me, but it is the power of Jesus with-in me.  He is using me for His glory.  It’s not about me, but about Him.

I don’t always share that.  I am selfish much of the time and want the glory.  But I’m learning that without Him, I am nothing.  He gives me purpose.  He gives me strength and courage.  He gives me boldness.

My daily prayer is that God will use me to bring about glory to Him.