Jesus, Mental Illness, self care, self love, Social Anxiety, Vulnerability

I Am Your Anchor in the Wind and the Waves

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So yesterday went pretty well (the day at least).  I went to San Antonio to my new doctor.  This is the second time I’ve seen her.  The first time she told me to stop taking birth control (that I was only taking for moods) because it affects my Lamictal.  It makes the effectiveness cut in half.  She said that could also be causing my evening anxiety.  So I stopped it.  With-in a few days I noticed a huge difference!  My anxiety about disappeared (only here and there instead of every single day).

Yesterday she told me that she wants to keep all meds the same (praise God!).  She also said I don’t have to see her till April!  This is huge!!  I’m so excited.  At $150 a pop (for 15 minutes!), this is so nice to have a month of reprieve.

I thought I was good to go… then last night happened.  I think it’s something I just need to work through… I am on good meds for anxiety, so I don’t think that will help at this time.

A few things happened last night to bring me anxiety.  Through that, Robert and I had a long talk about it.

The reasons I was anxious were totally me thinking that people (multiple) were mad or annoyed with me.

My anxiety totally paralyzed me.  I just sat on the couch unable to function.

I asked Robert if he thought this was a symptom of my social anxiety, and he told me that it definitely was.  It’s also a symptom of knowing how people felt about me growing up.  I walk around feeling like people are mad or annoyed with me all the time.  Sometimes it really affects me like it did last night.

Robert talked me through it.

I keep hearing from people that I’m strong, courageous, brave, and bold. All I see in myself is someone who annoys people and makes people mad. I’m often anxious about that. That’s my social anxiety. Robert reminded me of what I know people think about me (what I’ve been told), and what I don’t know what people think about me (what I assume). I want to start seeing myself as brave, but I only share things because it helps me. I feel like the things I do for my health (seeing a psychiatrist, counselor, going to AA, having a sponsor, etc) are just necessary. I hope that soon I start to see what people have told me they see in me.

Robert also asked how God sees me.  My immediate answer is that he is also annoyed and frustrated with me.  He told me that the only one that is annoyed and frustrated with me is myself.  God’s grace is sufficient.  He loves me with an unconditional love. My sins are washed away.  He sees His Son in me.

“I am the Lord your God.  I go before you now.  I stand beside you, I’m all around you.  Though you’re feeling far away, I’m closer than your breath.  I am with you wherever you go.”

“I am the Lord your peace.  No evil will conquer you.  Steady now your heart in mine, come into my rest.”

“Come to Me, I’m everything.”

“When the storm rages, I won’t be afraid.  Cause I have locked eyes on You face to face.  Your voice I will follow.  Your eyes I will see.  Come a little closer.  Come close to me.  Oh cause you are my anchor in the wind and the waves.  Oh and you are mine and I won’t be afraid.  Cause even in the darkest nights, oh I know You are there.  So I press into Jesus.”

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